Note: During the COVID-19 crisis, we are sharing original content with our community via social media in an effort to support families at home with their young children. We are republishing some of this content on our blog.
All of us have a great opportunity to practice patience right now. It’s not easy, is it? Patience is something that the majority of adults struggle with and this struggle trickles down to children. Young children do not yet have the ability to self-regulate and they rely on their caregivers to co-regulate. They are in tune with all of our responses and they need the adults in their lives to support them in calming down, focusing, controlling impulses, and learning what skills like patience look and feel like.
Self-regulation and patience are some of the most important components for success in school and society, but sometimes we don’t allow young children to truly practice these skills. As adults, we likely don’t spend enough time actively, consciously practicing these skills ourselves.
Stress and anxiety make practicing patience so challenging. It’s important for adults to understand the physical, chemical response to stress and what can be done to support healthy self-regulation. Patience is something that should be practiced regularly, along with mindfulness and gratitude, so that during times of stress we have a set of tools to take out. It’s an ongoing process and requires a certain level of grace. Consider the value of modeling being kind to yourself and extending grace to others. What a wonderful world we can create together.
Here are some ways we can all practice patience:
Wait for things. Your child can usually wait a little bit longer for something than feels comfortable. The discomfort of waiting is something that we need to sit with. What this looks like for older infants and young toddlers is simply taking your time to prepare what they need, whether it’s milk or a snack or a diaper change. It’s talking them through each step you take and consciously slowing yourself down as you tend to them. It’s trying your best not to rush through routine care. It’s saying out loud, “You’re waiting for me to get this ready. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it?” (Note that your expectations must remain appropriate and we are talking seconds to a minute, not prolonged periods of waiting. This is something to be built on over time for children who feel secure in having their needs consistently met.)
Be conscious of your own behavior when you are waiting -- whether you’re waiting for your child to put their shoes on, waiting in line at a store, or stuck in traffic, do your best to remain aware of your words and body language. Consider those moments of impatience are an opportunity for developing skills in yourself and your child.
Model a positive attitude. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” and model the deep well of patience you want a child to develop. Talk through small problems out loud or even say out loud, “It’s so hard to wait. I don’t feel like waiting right now but I need to take a breath and be patient.”
Say it out loud. It’s okay to have your child wait while you finish something, and it’s increasingly easy for them to do when you’re clear about what your expectation is. “I’m going to take two minutes on my phone to send this email and then I’m going to get you a snack.” Even when you don’t think an older infant or young toddler understands your words or the time table, say it out loud.
Avoid distractions. You don’t always need to have something else to do while waiting. Sometimes it’s okay to simply wait and to sit with that discomfort. Have some ideas for what you can do while waiting that don’t involve screens or toys. You can recite a poem or sing a song. You can count something nearby. You can envision your happy place inside your own mind.
Be aware of time. “Two minutes” can mean anything between thirty seconds and ten minutes. If you have trouble keeping track of literal time, set a timer so that you and your child can both see the countdown. Supporting this awareness is important for both of you.
Practice mindfulness each day both by yourself and with your child. Learn to focus on your breathing and consciously slow down. Mindfulness is a skill that is invaluable and even young children can begin a mindfulness practice with support from their caregivers. The more you exercise these muscles, the stronger they will become. (Not sure where to begin? Try starfish breathing: https://vimeo.com/410207426)
Play games and do activities that encourage patience, like cooking and baking, gardening, and turn-taking. Remember that building on a skill requires keeping expectations realistic.
Recognize and talk about patience out loud. When your child has waited for something, acknowledge it to them! When you have waited for something, talk about the challenge and how you managed it.
Practice gratitude. Along with mindfulness, an attitude of gratitude is something that will be of lifelong value to children and it’s never too early to start. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude in young children includes four components: noticing things to be grateful for, thinking about why we have those things, recognizing how we feel about those things, and doing something to express appreciation. Here is an example of this is practice: “I notice how happy you are to have blueberries with your breakfast! Dad got them at the store because he was thinking about how much you love them. They are delicious, aren’t they? It makes you feel good when you taste a juicy blueberry. Let’s tell Dad how much you love them and love that he brought them home.”
Remember that your goal as a parent and whole human should never be perfection, but simply to do your best every day. Please share with us how you’re helping yourself to be patient during this unique time and how you support your child in waiting. Let’s help each other. We can do this.